Do you love him? She asked. And I shyly nodded my head and softly said “yes, I do”. She smiled, squeezed me on the shoulder, and kissed my cheek. I wasn’t sure what she was trying to tell me. Why was she asking me if I love him? Maybe she knew that he will always be the love of my life. Or maybe she saw it coming. She saw it all. She saw what I never wanted to see; the monster inside of him.

It took me about 9 years to see this beautiful monster that I once dearly loved. He was everything that I had ever wanted. Until I saw what I had always failed to see. I recalled whispering “God please help me. I really need to get over him.” And ta daaa I was able to log in to his hotmail account. My hands were suddenly cold and my heart was racing so fast that I could see it pumping through my shirt. After many years of attempting to log into his hotmail account, here I was reading through every single e-mail that unfolded the life story of my beautiful monster. I was not only astonished but grossed out with the findings. Every e-mail that I opened was more devastating than the previous. I was suddenly sick to my stomach when I realized that he was talking to someone so young and naïve- his youngest sister’s best friend- a 17 year old. But the fact that he was talking to someone 6 years younger than him is not what grossed me out. It was the many women who he was trying to sleep with at the same time that made me sick. The one with a baby that he was inviting over his house for a “Malibu night”; the one who was at least 5 years older than him and had spend Christmas and New Years with after sleeping with me; the one who was desperately in love with him; the one who had a boyfriend and he was friends with her boyfriend; and finally the one who he had been hiding all along-me. Luckily, I had only sent 1 e-mail and it was of no importance. So I did the unthinkable or maybe I did what every woman, like me, would have done. I forwarded those e-mails to every girl in his contact list. Pay back, I thought, for what he did to me 6 years ago when we finally broke up. (The day I saw him at a park walking with a girl). After reading the e-mails I wasn’t sure what to think of him. Was he still a good person? Was this really him? But then a huge light bulb light up in my head and said “God wanted you to see this.” And then I remember my favorite biblical quote “Ask and you shall receive” I wanted his hotmail password for many years and God finally gave me it. God wanted me to see and realize that I should no longer love this man the way I did. I should no longer hold my breath for all the times that he said “one day” (One day we will be together again). I should no longer plan my life around him. I should move on and live happily ever after with someone who deserves me. I shouldn’t be stuck on someone who is probably sleeping with all these women. The thought of him was very nauseating thereafter. But time heals and will eventually help someone forget about a particular situation. About three months later I put the situation aside until it was confirmed that he was now dating the 17 year old. I am still in disbelief. Not only because she is 17 but also because he dated her 16 or 15 year old cousin.

He was once the most beautiful thing I ever had, but reality is that he is a sick minded person who thinks with the wrong head. My mind can’t help but question itself if he was always this monster or if he transformed into one over the past 6 years. Oh my beautiful monster if you only knew how much I loathe thee.

-S-