Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Amor Prohido
Mis estrictos planes incluyeron:
NO mirar a ningún hombre
SACAR de mi vida a mi “bello monstro”
OLVIDARME de todos los que tengo por ahí
ENFOCARME en mi profesión y mis planes para el futuro.
Escribí aquellos planes mentalmente hasta que me las memorice como si fuera el numero de celular del hombre al cual yo mas amo. Recuerdo recitar mis planes una y otra vez caminando desde mi trabajo a la estación de tren hasta que mi cerebrito me dijo “BASTA pareces loca!!” Mi rutina del día seguía su rumbo hasta que me monte en el tren. Me senté en la última silla del vagón- algo que nunca hago -y a los pocos segundo un muchacho se sentó en la silla del frente y me pregunto si el tren iba para cierta cuidad de “New Jersey”. Yo levante la cabeza y le respondí un poco desanimada “si”. A los pocos segundo llego un amigo de este muchacho y fui ahí cuando mi decisión de nunca más saber de un hombre cambio!!!!!
Yo no quería enamórame- Ni lo tenía planeado!!!!!!!!! Yo ya le había dado consejos a mi corazón una semana entera sin parar ¿Porque quieres enamorarte después de ser engañada y sentirte usada por hombres que no valen la pena? Seria ilógico buscarte a otro que sea igual!!!!!!!! Además, yo no tengo el tiempo ni suficiente paciencia para los hombres. Pero que iba saber yo que mi corazón iba a encontrar cosas escondidas dentro de mí.
Mi corazoncito encontró el tiempo y la paciencia que yo pensaba que nunca más iba a tener para un hombre. Ohhhh, y como dejar atrás los celos que mi corazoncito volvió a encontrar. Espera!! Esa fui yo quien los encontré. jaja! Pero de verdad que no hay necesidad de decirles “Ok celitos, cuando el mencione a una “amiga” sales disparado” Esos celos encuentran a uno misma y salen de algún momento a otro y uno se queda anonadada de ellos.
Bueno, no sé en qué momento mi corazón me dio entender que sentía algo por mi amor prohíbo. No sé si fue a la siguiente noche cuando me beso mientras bailábamos una bachata o si fue cuando me di cuenta que hace mucho tiempo nadie me hacía sentir tan feliz como él lo estaba haciendo.
Yo no quería que ese fin de semana llegara al fin porque mi amor prohibido tenía que regresarse a la Florida donde el radica. Y yo iba a quedar sola, triste, y abandonada OTRA bendita vez!!!!!!!! Mi corazón gritaba peor que un perro con hambre y me decía una y otra vez “Nunca voy hacer feliz. nunca!!!! Mi vida es una desgracia. Porque él tiene que vivir tan lejos” Mientras mi cerebrito decía “De verdad que me vas a volver loca!!! ¿Solamente lo conoces por 3 días y ya te sentís sola??” Mi corazón no sabía cómo responderle..entonces derramo lagrimas y solamente recordaba los besos de mi amor prohibido y la frase “Nos volveremos a ver...”
CONTINUARA............................................................................
Friday, December 19, 2008
Sin espiritu navideño
Bueno, no tengo ninguna solución de año nuevo. ¿Además no creo en eso porque si uno quiere hacer algo, porque esperar para un nuevo año que venga? Porque no haces o comienzas tus planes YA mismo!!
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
It took me about 9 years to see this beautiful monster that I once dearly loved. He was everything that I had ever wanted. Until I saw what I had always failed to see. I recalled whispering “God please help me. I really need to get over him.” And ta daaa I was able to log in to his hotmail account. My hands were suddenly cold and my heart was racing so fast that I could see it pumping through my shirt. After many years of attempting to log into his hotmail account, here I was reading through every single e-mail that unfolded the life story of my beautiful monster. I was not only astonished but grossed out with the findings. Every e-mail that I opened was more devastating than the previous. I was suddenly sick to my stomach when I realized that he was talking to someone so young and naïve- his youngest sister’s best friend- a 17 year old. But the fact that he was talking to someone 6 years younger than him is not what grossed me out. It was the many women who he was trying to sleep with at the same time that made me sick. The one with a baby that he was inviting over his house for a “Malibu night”; the one who was at least 5 years older than him and had spend Christmas and New Years with after sleeping with me; the one who was desperately in love with him; the one who had a boyfriend and he was friends with her boyfriend; and finally the one who he had been hiding all along-me. Luckily, I had only sent 1 e-mail and it was of no importance. So I did the unthinkable or maybe I did what every woman, like me, would have done. I forwarded those e-mails to every girl in his contact list. Pay back, I thought, for what he did to me 6 years ago when we finally broke up. (The day I saw him at a park walking with a girl). After reading the e-mails I wasn’t sure what to think of him. Was he still a good person? Was this really him? But then a huge light bulb light up in my head and said “God wanted you to see this.” And then I remember my favorite biblical quote “Ask and you shall receive” I wanted his hotmail password for many years and God finally gave me it. God wanted me to see and realize that I should no longer love this man the way I did. I should no longer hold my breath for all the times that he said “one day” (One day we will be together again). I should no longer plan my life around him. I should move on and live happily ever after with someone who deserves me. I shouldn’t be stuck on someone who is probably sleeping with all these women. The thought of him was very nauseating thereafter. But time heals and will eventually help someone forget about a particular situation. About three months later I put the situation aside until it was confirmed that he was now dating the 17 year old. I am still in disbelief. Not only because she is 17 but also because he dated her 16 or 15 year old cousin.
He was once the most beautiful thing I ever had, but reality is that he is a sick minded person who thinks with the wrong head. My mind can’t help but question itself if he was always this monster or if he transformed into one over the past 6 years. Oh my beautiful monster if you only knew how much I loathe thee.
-S-
Monday, December 1, 2008
Letting go
The time is coming up
For me to say good bye and break his heart
I don’t want to say good bye
I don’t want to let him go
But my mother doesn’t think he’s the best catch
She thinks that we don’t match
And she has only met him once
Apparently that was enough
Enough time for her to say that we don’t belong together
It breaks my heart
It makes me sad
To say good bye
Because he makes me happy
He makes me smile
He makes my time be worthwhile
He is all I ever wanted
And all I ever desired
But all the happiness must come to an end
However, my search should never end
The search to find “the one” that my mother, my family, and friends won’t judge
And you may ask yourself?
Why should you care about what they think?
And I would respond, I don’t know
I don’t know
I don’t know
I just wished that things would be a bit differently…
S ♥
